Means to an end

Working this job I've encountered a lot of frustrations. Daily, I try to roll with the things I don't like about it. Cranky customers and bad management decisions are a way of life when you're the one and only employee of a small local business.

I gotta tell you, lately it's gotten harder to set aside feelings I have no right to have. I feel overwhelmed with a sense of malcontentment and grousitude. I know I need to make a change before I come to dread coming here everyday.

I do love what I do but not in the capacity that I have to do it right now. I'm ready to solidify my future plans in order to have something to look forward to.
I don't want to make awards anymore. I don't want to have a boss anymore. I don't think it's a crime to want to make a living on as much of your own terms as possible. And mine are these: I want to work out of a basement or a dark, shitty little work room. I want to engrave marble and tile for people to put in there bathrooms or kitchens or fireplaces or whatever. That's all I want to do. I'm tired of every other thing I create saying "In recognition for a blow-job well done..." or whatever. I just want to engrave koi and orchids into tiles and them paint them pretty colors. I know there's a market for it because I saw it online. That's where I want to be. The only person I ever want to speak with face-to-face at work is the UPS guy.

So what I have to do right now is an exercise in patience and humility. I need to set aside my ego long enough to get the bread to buy a laser. I can keep this up a while longer as long as I also work at changing my situation.

like a brick

After two uncomfortable conversations, I believe I'm coming to a realization. It's old news and I don't know why I choose the wait three years to process this. My boyfriend told me that when a guy abruptly breaks up with his partner in a committed relationship, that usually means he's messing around or is about to. After some reflection, I suspect that's often accurate. After some more reflection, I'm coming to the belief that was the situation with me and the Ex.

My first impulse is to confront him and demand to be told what I don't think I really want to hear. But I won't do that. I would get no relief and I couldn't count on hearing the truth anyway.
What I find frustrating is the fact that the Ex is old news. Three years old. And I'm still processing a lot of feelings(pretty negative ones) toward him. I thought I was done with that. I thought that because I had done the step work and made the amends that I would be beyond anger or hurt concerning him. And I'm not. And that's supposed to be normal.

Yeah, he probably was fooling around or planning to. The evidence was there. The inclination was also there. Yeah, we were over at least two years before we were really broken up. Yeah, I fooled around early on so there were projected jealousy issues for a good chunk of our relationship. And yeah, I'm glad I'm not with him and I don't miss him.
That being said, it still is a process of acceptance for me. Even after all this time and work, I still have more work and more feelings to do and experience.

Getting over takes a long time and maybe isn't total.

fella boys/fella nervous

It's French Revolution cold today. I mean cruel, hopeless, painful cold today. And it seems as though I sprout a new pimple with personality every half-hour. It's dem cozzzmic hormone blues again.

And my pastor is sending emails about politics-
as the business men slowly get stoned-
yes we're enjoying the capricious Kansas weather-
I'm craving a purple snow-cone.

That was my Billy Joel impression. It needs work.

So much is on my mind, I don't know where to begin. Blame it on the 4th Step. I'm on a new one and it's the hardest so far. I still am often sick, but I don't get to have a "newcomer, she doesn't know any better" cop-out anymore. Eeek! I'm expected to be accountable and adultish. This whole process-thing is a bitch. I want to be better on my time and in my own way. And I don't want to take a nap during the ABC Soaps, I want to play with the Hot Wheel City. I'm not TIRED!!!
--tantrum complete--

Back in the grown-up world....things are as okay as I allow them to be. My sighs are less martyr-filled than before and my bills are paid. Huzzah!

The showroom at work smells like carnations and I look forward to the Savoy's Lobster Bisque later on this week.

Mr. Bolton- I highly recommend you read a blog that is more coherant than this one.