retail, wholesale, sailing away

Ahhhh....belts and bearings. Like I actually know what I'm talking about. Take a guess. Do I strike you as a girl who's handy? Not so much. But if you hum a few bars, I could fake it. 'Cause fakin' it's what I do best.

If I could miniturize Paul Simon and carry him on my shoulder, he'd go everywhere with me. He'd sing songs appropriate to whatever's going on at the moment. "Hmmm mmm mmm smoking a cigarette.....avoiding the tedious stuff.....No need to be fair, Claire. Just listen to me....fifty ways to ruin a plaque without really trying....," and so on.

If I keep up this isolation for too much longer, I think I'll forget what human interaction feels like. Already I struggle with having a coherent conversation with that guy in my life. You know, the guy who's everything to everybody.....well...not everybody. Does separation make you bitter too? Are you as sick (and a little sad) as me?

Perhaps I'll shave my legs tonight because I like the way they feel. Or draw myself a spooky Clockwork Orange eye and dress myself in the height of fashion - tights and codpiece? Watch a movie and pretend to enjoy it? Read more subversive feminist literature and savor yet another way I can be a failure?

My X isn't talking to my Y today. Don't even ask me about the Z. He's toast.

is it strange to dance so late?

In past few months, I've discovered that I actually do want a family.

Would God place it on my heart to desire to be a mother if I were not someday well-suited to be one? I keep wondering if I will ever be up to the task of raising a family. I wonder if there's a person out there for me to have a family with. I keep wondering if this feeling is a phase I'll grow out of in time. Is this feeling with me for the rest of my life?

I work so hard to have the faith that things that should happen will happen. I keep feeling nosy about God's design for me. Patience is hard, virtues are really hard; thus I conclude that patience is probably a virtue and it is really, really hard.

the age of solar

Lately, I feel like I do everything out of instinct. Like that my left foot follows my right. I'm moving almost fast enough to keep from falling over. The emotional arms in my gut/heart/soul/inner what-have-you are pinwheeling. How does one regain balance in an unbalanced world?

I do what I'm supposed to do, but with no zest or passion. So many things are changing that I feel like I'm standing still. That's my position: Standing still, facing front. Not perpendicular to the Earth. More like a 79 degree angle. Every thing's okay, but also a little off. No....a lot off. So off that what was normal is now inverted and hazy.

I'm going to go find a brownie or a milkshake or something.
Cheers.